Ann Coulter came to Canada this week and delivered an important message.

Ann opened our eyes to the truth.

The message was brilliant. It taught us what we didn’t want to hear but the truth of it is irrefutable. 

I hope the message resonated with all of us.

I hope we were listening.

I hope we learned from it.

I hope we got it.

I hope it changes the way we think.

This is not a commentary in support of Ann Coulter’s views. I am not one of the eleven Canadians who had heard of her prior to her visit last week. I’m one of the thirty-five million Canadians who hadn’t.

She is, I believe, just another of those talking bobbleheads, like a couple of well known former presidents and other politicos, who descend upon our country, and other places, and dumb down their cerebral brilliance in order to enlighten us with the scope of their vision and wisdom.

In exchange for lecturing to us for an hour or so we give them tens of thousands of dollars. In U.S. currency, of course.

I am not critical of these folks. I’m jealous.

I too would like to be paid handsomely for the empty thoughts that flow through my head. But alas, so far, no  takers. 

But I digress.

Ann’s message? Did we get it?

What was it?

Ok, I’ll tell you. It was about something far more important than her views of the world, something far more urgent than the publication date of her next book.

Ann taught us about MARKETING. About creating demand. About spreading the word. About building desire. 

I happen to have first hand information about her brilliant marketing strategy as one of my people, cleverly disguised as a coffee mug, managed to infiltrate her inner circle and secretly recorded the marketing meeting attended by Ann (Ann), her marketing guru (MG) and the event organiser (EV) that took place late Monday evening at a local Tim Horton’s in Ottawa.

Here then is the unedited transcript.

Ann:  How are we doing with ticket sales for tomorrow?

EV: We’ve sold nine tickets.

Ann: How big is the auditorium?

EV: It can seat thirty-eight hundred.

Ann: Have you tried reducing the price? 

EV: Yes. I did offer one guy a ticket for ten dollars.

Ann: And?

EV: He said he wouldn’t take anything less than twenty.

Ann: What should we do?

EV: I think we need more publicity.

MG: Sorry to interrupt but we don’t need more publicity. What we need is NEGATIVE publicity.

At this point he glanced around to ensure no-one was in close range, leaned forward and, in a low whisper, continued.

MG: What we need to do is force the cancellation of the event.

Ann: What? You’re crazy.

MG: Shhhh. Not so loud. Yes I am crazy. Like a fox. Here’s the plan. Tomorrow morning you will go on local TV and trash everyone. Every liberal, every conservative, every member of an ethnic group, every race, including your own. You will use the most incendiary language you are capable of and discuss how those who do not share your views are simply morons and idiots.

Ann: And then what?

MG: Then we sit back, relax and wait for them to take the bait. And they will. They will rise. They will gather. They will scream and yell. They will threaten. They will produce poorly written signs and they will march. And they will demand that you not be allowed to speak. And they will succeed.

Ann: And how will that help?

MG: The University will cave in to their demands. They will mutter something wimpy about not being able to guaranty your safety and they will cancel the event. You will then go on TV and denounce everyone and really tick the whole country off by saying how disappointed you are that Canadians are that quick to run from a fight and that you thought they were tougher than that.

Ann: But the event will be cancelled.

MG: So? Your fee has been paid and while these mindless goofs are out protesting, not realizing the contribution they have made to your future success, we will be relaxing over a delightful dinner at some over priced restaurant.

Ann: I like it.

MG: And the media will happily do the rest of our marketing for us. They will jump on this like flies on honey and will keep this story going for as long as they can. They will do so in the belief that they are providing objective news reporting because they’re not bright enough to realize that they are now part of the Coulter marketing team.

And tomorrow sales of your books will soar right across the country and all future events will be sold out. And the benefits will extend well beyond your Canadian tour. By tomorrow night you will be on every major network and Larry King will be begging you to be on his show. Your speaking calendar is about to sell out.

And the funny thing is they. They just don’t get it. If they really wanted to silence you, they should just silence themselves. Fortunately for us, they’ll never understand that.

Ann: You’re brilliant. I want to have sex with you.

MG:  I’m gay.

Ann: You’re fired. 

And there you have it. Ann Coulter’s Calgary speaking engagement had to be moved to a larger venue to accommodate the surge in demand for tickets and an unverified report on a local radio station said that several bookstores across the country were reporting that they had sold out of her books.

She is apparently slated to be a guest on Larry King next week.

There is a second learning for all of us.

Ann Coulter is just a person with an opinion to which she is entitled.

I know nothing about her. I don’t know what she is pro or what she is con. I don’t know if she points left or points right.

I’m sure she is bright and articulate and, I’m sure that to her, her opinions are representations of true facts.

They’re not. They are only true facts to those who share the same opinions and are the antithesis of fact to those who don’t. 

Differences of opinion are healthy. The lesson to be learned is that if we really are intelligent, we would debate our differences, not be baited by them.

Intelligent debate beats hysterical ranting every time. We should welcome it. Apparently those good people in Ottawa don’t. It seems they will welcome with open arms those with whom they agree and vehemently protest against those they don’t. I always believed universities were for broadening thought, not narrowing minds.

As you know I have written a book. I wrote previously that that book was intended to help people enjoy happier lives. That’s not true. The real purpose behind the book is for it to become my pension plan. I intend to sell over a trillion copies and I am so confident of its success that the first print run of three copies will be off the presses and available for you to purchase any month now.

I have taken steps to ensure the success of my book sales. The following quote will be prominently displayed on its cover, “You’re a *&%^@!# left wing, right wing, liberal, conservative moron if you don’t read this book” – Ann Coulter.

Thanks for the invaluable lessons, Ann.

Till we read again.

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