It’s been quite a while since I last put pen to paper and discussed an issue that was playing large on my mind.
As you know, I usually put other stuff to paper. You know what I mean, the stuff you have to clean up. And it was, in fact, while observing the less than enthusiastic manner in which you recently performed this requisite task that I decided to pen this missive.
As you have now been in my employ for a little over a year I feel the time is right to conduct a review of your performance and perhaps offer some gentle guidance that will stand you in good stead should I decide to continue this relationship.
To be honest, I am leaning toward termination of your services however, in the interests of fairness and following sound management practice I believe it is incumbent upon me to, at the very least, point out your numerous shortcomings and provide you a limited time opportunity to improve.
To begin, I do think you have potential and that you are, at least, close to average intelligence. The problem, as I see it, is you don’t apply yourself.
This is disappointing. I had such high hopes for you.
When I hired you, I was very clear in defining my expectations. Your job was to guide me through infancy and childhood and prepare me for adulthood.
You were to set a course for me to follow, ensure I clearly understood what was expected of me, provide me with high quality training, ensure I had all necessary resources, give me regular feedback, coach me in areas where improvement was required and slowly, systematically make my tasks increasingly challenging so that I could stretch and develop.
In short, you were hired as a manager.
And you have let me down.
Frankly, I don’t think you can manage a hot-dog stand.
Where on earth did you learn that raising your voice in anger and yelling constitutes good management practice?
Any fool with a marginally functioning brain knows that losing your temper and yelling is the worst possible management behaviour that only serves to highlight your own inability to manage your emotions and tells the world that you like to use the authority of your title to bully others and that you have never outgrown the tantrum throwing behaviours you learned in childhood.
Funny that you haven’t figured that out. While this may work in the short term, I quickly learned that if I just do what you want me to do you won’t yell.
So as soon as you stop yelling I stop barking – for a few minutes anyway – and then start barking almost as soon as you quit yelling.
Do you see what I’m telling you. You are training me to do the absolute minimum required to shut you up. You are training me not to try and improve myself because I don’t get anything for doing that.
Essentially, I’m the one training you. As soon as I stop barking, you stop yelling. And frankly, you’re not very trainable. You used to continue your yelling long after I stopped barking. It took me quite a while to get you to realize that you were still yelling like an idiot long after I had gone on to some other activity.
Like I said, you’re not too bright.
I read somewhere that males who lose their tempers and yell a lot usually do that to compensate for having a small … Oh never mind.
Here’s an approach that will produce a far better result. When I do something really well, give me a treat and tell me I’m doing a good job. I really like to hear those words.
The more praise I get, the better I’ll behave. By the way, I’m pretty sure that works for humans as well. In fact you don’t even have to give me a treat each time, just a kind word and perhaps a tummy rub.
Try this with the people in your office. The results will surprise you.
Remember this; we will all try harder to please you if we like you and if you say nice things to us when we do well. If we don’t like you and you yell like a moron, we will only give you the minimum effort necessary to prevent you from yelling.
Which do you want? The choice is yours.
There are so many other areas where your management skills are lacking but I think, for now, this is probably all you have the capacity to handle.
I have decided not to fire you today. I’m going to give you another chance but I am placing you on probation for 90 days. We’ll review your progress at that time.
Oh, by the way, next time you yell at me, you’re fired.
Good luck and you may want to check inside your shoes before you put them on.
P.S. Study the relationship I have with Gimalle. She really gets it.
Till we read again.